Emotional Hospitality
Can emotions be “under control”? Or do they just happen, like a storm, a lightning strike, a fire? Some people try their best to avoid or hide from these elemental forces and others, by contrast, can feel possessed by them—say, slipping back and forth between liking someone and hating them or between riding high on glee and plunging into despair. In this post, I’m going to make a case for staying present with your emotions and, at the same time, recognizing that they are not you. They are visitors passing through.
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
—Rumi
How long they stay and how well they behave themselves has a lot to do with whether you can show them respect in three simple ways: (1) acknowledge them, (2) attempt to understand them, and (3) let them go. Depending on the emotion that comes along, one or more of these three tasks could get tricky. It might be hard to welcome an unpleasant emotion or hard to say goodbye to a pleasant one. It might take practice to understand any of them!
Imagine you’re an Airbnb host—a superhost, sometimes renting out several rooms at the same time. It can be exhausting, and it’s still only a side gig. How do you treat the guests when they arrive? When a guest is rude and messy, will you get angry and make a mess, too? Or will you wait and endure, and clean up when they’re gone? Usually, we need a quick turnaround to be prepared for the next guest. According to the Sufi poet Jalaluddin Rumi, we should practice remaining gracious and honoring each guest, even if you don’t enjoy their company equally.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Part of being a good host involves listening to your guests and trying to fulfill their needs. If they are demanding something unreasonable and extreme from you, or they are asking you to do something at odds with your values and goals, set a clear boundary. You’ll need to communicate with them and find a compromise. If you try to ignore them, they might pester you the more.
Maybe it’s not so much the case that our emotions are “under control,” after all, but our relationship with emotions can improve the more mature we become as hosts. We can get better at (1) welcoming all emotions equally, (2) addressing their needs when possible and offering viable alternatives if they want something outlandish, and (3) planning time after a departure to clean up and prepare for the next guest. This is the art of emotional hospitality. The metaphor is not perfect, but you get the idea. This “side gig” is very important but it is not the source of fulfillment in a person’s life. Our primary life tasks, perhaps even a mission in life based on core personal values and beliefs, is what imparts meaning to everything else we undertake. All the “guests” in our emotional “Airbnb” are imparting helpful information about how our main life tasks—the sources of real meaning—are going if we can but be patient with them.
